You Don't Need to Find 'The One.' You Need to Know These 8 Things First.
One of the questions we get asked most often at andwemet is:
"How do I know if this person is right for me?"
The honest answer?
There isn't a checklist that works for everyone.
Every individual is different. Every relationship is different. What makes someone an amazing partner for one person may not work for someone else.
But while there isn't one perfect answer, there are ways to make a much better decision.
If you're single in your late 20s, 30s, 40s or beyond, whether you've never married or are divorced, these principles can help you date with more clarity and less confusion.
First, stop asking: "Are they the one?"
Instead observe:
Can I be myself around this person?
Finding the right partner is rarely about instant certainty.
It's usually about consistent experiences over time.
1. Know what you are actually looking for
Many people say they want a serious relationship.
Very few can clearly explain what that actually means to them.
Before evaluating someone else, understand yourself.
Ask yourself:
What kind of relationship do I want?
What does marriage or partnership look like to me?
What lifestyle do I want?
Do I want children?
Where do I want to live?
How important is family involvement?
What kind of communication works for me?
If you don't know what you're looking for, almost anyone can seem right initially.
Clarity is attractive because it helps you recognise compatibility earlier.
2. Identify your Must-Haves
Must-haves or early filters are qualities without which the relationship is unlikely to work.
They are not preferences.
They are essentials.
Examples include:
Open to having children/or not.
Open to living with parents/ or not.
Height.
Food preference.
Smokes or not.
Consumes alcohol or not
Income similar to mine or not.
Divorced or never married, or a single parent.
Doesn't want marriage while you do.
Your list should usually be short - not more than 10 items.
The longer the list becomes, the more difficult it becomes to distinguish what truly matters.
3. Know your Dealbreakers before emotions take over
Most people identify dealbreakers after getting attached.
By then, making a rational decision becomes much harder.
A dealbreaker is something you know you cannot accept in a long-term relationship.
Examples might include:
Anger issues
Rude behaviour.
Not open to reasoning.
Disrespect towards you or others.
Financial irresponsibility.
Controlling behaviour.
Lack of accountability.
Constant emotional unavailability.
Your dealbreakers don't need to match anyone else's.
They simply need to be clear to you.
4. Feel good about yourself before choosing someone else
This is one of the most overlooked parts of dating.
When you feel secure and confident in yourself, you usually make better relationship decisions.
When you're constantly anxious, lonely or afraid that "this may be my last chance," you are more likely to overlook important incompatibilities.
Confidence doesn't mean believing you're perfect.
It means knowing your worth without needing someone else to prove it.
If you're carrying past heartbreak, divorce, repeated rejection or dating exhaustion, consider working through it before making another important relationship decision.
The healthier you are emotionally, the healthier your choices tend to become.
5. Observe more. Communicate less.
Many people believe the way to know someone is through endless conversations.
Conversations matter.
But behaviour matters more.
Instead of asking 100 questions, observe.
Notice:
Do they keep their word?
Are they open to a discussion
How do they react when plans change?
How do they handle stress?
Do they apologise sincerely?
Do their actions match their words?
How do they treat their family and friends?
People reveal themselves through repeated behaviour, not polished answers.
6. Don't look for someone to rescue you
A relationship should improve your life.
It shouldn't become responsible for fixing it.
Sometimes people start dating because they feel:
lonely
left behind
pressured by family
everyone else is getting married
they need someone to make them happy
These are understandable feelings.
But they can lead to choosing someone for the wrong reasons.
A healthy partner is not a therapist, rescuer or solution to unhappiness.
The strongest relationships are often formed between two people who are already taking responsibility for their own lives.
7. Pay attention to how you feel after meeting them
Instead of asking:
"Did they like me?"
Ask:
"How did I feel after spending time with them?"
Did you feel:
relaxed?
respected?
heard?
safe to express yourself?
able to disagree?
Or did you leave feeling:
anxious?
confused?
like you had to perform?
emotionally drained?
constantly wondering where you stand?
Your emotional experience is useful information.
Don't ignore it.
8. Don't rush certainty
You don't need to decide after one coffee.
Or even after five dates.
Healthy relationships usually become clearer with consistent interactions.
Allow enough time to see:
consistency
communication
conflict
reliability
emotional maturity
Time often reveals what chemistry hides.
There isn't one "right person"
There may be several people who could be compatible with you.
The right relationship is often created through shared values, healthy communication, mutual respect and consistent effort not by finding someone who ticks every box.
Your job isn't to find perfection.
It's to make a thoughtful decision with clarity.
If you're still confused, that's okay.
Sometimes the biggest challenge isn't choosing between two people.
It's understanding yourself.
Many singles don't need another dating app.
They need clarity.
At andwemet, we've spoken to hundreds of singles across Delhi NCR, Mumbai, Bengaluru, Hyderabad, Chennai and other cities who were asking the same questions:
Am I choosing the wrong people?
Why do I lose interest quickly?
Am I ignoring red flags?
Am I expecting too much?
Am I settling?
There isn't one answer that fits everyone.
That's why we created our Dating Clarity Session to help individuals understand themselves before making one of life's biggest decisions.
Sometimes the right relationship begins with asking yourself the right questions.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I know someone is the right partner?
There is no universal sign. Look for shared values, emotional safety, consistent behaviour, mutual respect and long-term compatibility rather than relying only on chemistry.
How long should I date before deciding?
There is no fixed timeline. Give yourself enough opportunities to observe consistency across different situations rather than making a decision based on a few dates.
Can someone feel right but still not be compatible?
Yes. Strong attraction doesn't always mean long-term compatibility. Shared goals, communication and lifestyle matter just as much.
What if I'm confused between two people?
Instead of comparing them, first get clear about what you need in a relationship. Without clarity, every decision feels confusing.
Should I ignore red flags if everything else feels good?
No. Small concerns often become bigger problems over time. Notice patterns instead of making excuses for repeated behaviour.
